Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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