btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
