I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
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I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
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I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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