I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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