I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
