I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
