I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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