the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
