So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
