Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
