even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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