I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
