I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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