i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
