i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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