forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
