He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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