Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Fuck me I smell like cheese
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
