so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
