I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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