I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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