**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
