So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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