Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
