I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think your dad took our porno
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
