Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
