wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
