the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
