Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
