I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
