someone owes me an orgasm
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
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Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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