if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
