On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm jealous of your bromance
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
