my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
