Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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