i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize