you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
