Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
