But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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