my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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