I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he thought i was a dude.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
