i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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