I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
