Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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