I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
