just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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