mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
and you fell through a lawn chair
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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