I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
