I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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