He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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