Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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