Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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