You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
