What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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